Joke of the Day

[Mr.Bassmaster29]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[joedog]

[MO_CPA]

This is an old one but it gets me everytime.

An elephant ran away from circus and ended up in an old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before and she rang the police.
"Please come quick!" she said to the police officer who answered the phone.
"There is a big strange looking animal in my back garden."
"Well what does it look like?"
"It is large and gray and I ain't never seen anything like it. It is most peculiar" she said.
"What is it doing ma'am?"
"It is picking up my cabbages with its tail."
"What is he doing with them then?"
"Oh, If I told you," said the old lady, "You would never believe me!"

[MississippiBoy]

My favorite one is a blonde joke. I'd heard it before, then almost forgotten it until I saw it again yesterday:

A blonde was flying with her boyfriend in his little 2-seat airplane, when he suddenly has a massive heart attack and dies right there in the pilot's chair. The blonde gets on the radio and frantically radios a "Mayday."
A calm, assured voice answers her pleas for help. She screams, "My boyfriend was flying and now he's dead and I don't know how to fly a plane and now I'm going to die, too!!!!"
The voice on the radio comes back, "Ma'am, stay calm. I am a flight instructor with 35 years of piloting experience, and I have 'talked down' 9 other airplanes in similar situations as yours....every one of them was landed perfectly by someone with zero flight experience, just like you, because they followed my instructions exactly. Do as I say, and you'll be just fine, ok? I'm going to get you through this."
The blonde, somewhat reassured, takes a deep breath and agrees.
The flight instructor radios back, "Ok, now first off, what is your height and location?"
The blonde replies, "I'm 5'3", and I'm sitting in the co-pilot's chair."
The instructor pauses, then radios back, "Ok, then repeat after me.....'Our Father, who art in Heaven......"

[bcklash]

I love it MB. LMAO

[BassinBandit]

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American all fell off a boat got stranded on an island when they were captured by Cannibals, They took them back to their village and told them they were going to eat them and use their skins to make their canoes. The chief told them that he would let them choose how they die.

The Frenchman said "I will die by knife." He grabs the knife and says "VIVA LA FRANCE." and stabs himself in the heart!

The Englishman said "I will die by gun." he grabs the pistol and says "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!" and shoots himself in the head

The American said "I will die by Fork." The chief look at him funny and handed him a fork. he grabs the fork and says "HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR F*****G CANOES!!!!" and stabs hims self hundreds of times!

[joedog]

Thanks for the smiles everyone!
I'd like to hear everyone's old or new favorite.

Bassmaster29, not trying to hijack.

If you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at ME!
Thanks again everyone!

[kennethdaysale]

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What'll you have?"
The skeleton answers "A beer............and a mop"

[kennethdaysale]

Three guys tee off at hole #9 on a golf course carved into the side of a mountain. Golfer #1 shanks his ball way out of bounds. Golfers #2 & 3 hit safely to the fairway and wait for him to find his ball. After waiting for 10 minutes golfer # 2 is sent to look for him. After another 15 minutes golfer # 3 goes to look for them both. He finally finds them at the bottom of a bluff...golfer #1 is on all fours, his pants down around his ankles. Golfer #2 with his pants also around his knees is visciously sodomizing #1. Golfer #3 shocked and horrified hollers..."what in He** is going on down there?!" Golfer #2 hollers back..."I found him unconscious" Golfer #3 "That's NOT what you're supposed to do...you're supposed to start mouth to mouth respiration!!!"

Golfer #2 "How do you think all this crap got started"

[Mr.Bassmaster29]

Originally Posted by joedog

Thanks for the smiles everyone!
I'd like to hear everyone's old or new favorite.

Bassmaster29, not trying to hijack.

If you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at ME!
Thanks again everyone!

Its all good man! I'd like to hear everyone's favorite too!

[coachpurdy]

A LSU student, a Auburn student and a Alabama student all went to Mexico to party. They all woke up the next morning in jail and no one could remember what happened. A policeman came and took the LSu student and set him down in a electric chair and asked if he had any last words. The LSU student responded, "I'm a theology student and I believe that God will prove my innocence." When they hit the switch nothing happened so they let him go. When they got the next student and asked if he had any last words he replied " I'm a law student at Auburn and I believe the legal system will prove my innocence and justice will be served." When they hit the switch nothing happened so they let him go. After asking the last student if he had any last words he replied " I'm a electric engineer at the university of Alabama and if you don't hook those two wires together this chair will not work."

[joedog]

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[joedog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=...ture=endscreen

[lilmule]

You would be surprised at how many asked where to buy the passenger ejection seat at.

[MississippiBoy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding down through a canyon one day. Suddenly, a group of Indians appears and blocks their path, looking angry and violent. The two stop and slowly turn around to head back the way they came. But no luck....another group is now behind them, preventing their retreat.
Looking for a way to climb up the steep sides of the canyon, the Lone Ranger sees that there are even more hostile Indians lining both rims of the canyon, blocking any possible escape that way.
He look forward, back, and up the sides again, almost frantic. Seeing no way out, he asks, "Tonto, we're trapped. What do we do now?"
Tonto, unperturbed, looks at him and says, "What you mean 'we,' white man?"

[joedog]

Ok my grandaughter gave me this one....kind of cute.

If April showers bring May flowers.
Then what do May flowers bring?
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.
.
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.
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Pilgrims