A shift in priorities

cassidyta · 07-04-11, 02:46 AM

A few of the folks on here already know, but my marriage is at a very precarious point
My wife of 10 1/2 years has told me that she doesn’t love me and is not sure that she can. In her defense, I have driven her to this point.
For several years now, I have had a hard time controlling my anger. I once posted about taking her fishing and how badly it turned out when she accidentally hooked me with a spro frog. There have been several outbursts by me that have pushed her further away each time. I have been a ticking bomb for a long time and she can no longer handle it. In her defense, she has not simply walked out and is willing to wait and see if I can change and if she can love the man I can be.
I am very much not a fan of making excuses for inappropriate behavior. I have always considered any diagnosis to be simply an excuse, but I am at rock bottom and am very willing to try anything. So, after a few meetings with a “Dr” and I use the term loosely, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and something they call Survivor’s guilt. Some of this comes from my Marine Corps career, some from other things.
I do not know if this will work and I do not know if it will save my family, but I will be damned if I will simply refuse to try.
I was once a very religious person who led a children’s ministry. At this point in my life, I cannot pray. I just don’t know why He would listen to me. Each time that I have been “blessed” with something, I manage to screw it up. This does not mean that I do not believe in Him, I just don’t know how to talk to him myself. So, if you are a person who prays, I would ask that you pray for me. My only prayer is that I can be the type of husband and father that my family deserves.

Jrob78 · 07-04-11, 03:33 AM

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers Tom.

Bubba_Bruiser · 07-04-11, 03:34 AM

Cass I am praying for you and your family. I also think He will listen to everything you pray about. We all slide, it is only in our nature. I have faith and hope you will be blessed again.

cassidyta · 07-04-11, 03:45 AM

Thanks guys. It has been a rough week.

bluebasser86 · 07-04-11, 05:35 AM

If I have learned anything in life it's that He forgives. You are in a very difficult spot that I wouldn't wish on anyone but it sounds like you want to try and so does your wife. I've been through some difficult times in my life and they would have been so much harder without Him. I also have anger issues, having been in law enforcement for 5 years now some days I see things that make me mad at the world, unfortunately the ones that have to deal with my anger are the ones I love the most. I have one song that I sing in my head when I feel myself losing control called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. I still get choked up when we sing that song in church because of the power it has over me. You may try going to church with your family and really listening. I had been to church plenty of times but it wasn't until I really listened to what was being said before it really had an impact on my life. I hope that somewhere in what I've written you can find something that will help you and you'll be in my prayers!

nobass · 07-04-11, 07:14 AM

cass i was in the same boat as you when i came back back from nam, then it was not called ptsd. there are many ways to deal with in. but one way for sure was meds. they where my biggest help. be glad your wife is willing to wait. also when i get that way or feel it coming on i walk away from the problem cool off and come back. wish you all the luck in overcoming this.

carolina-rig-01 · 07-04-11, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassidyta

A few of the folks on here already know, but my marriage is at a very precarious point
My wife of 10 1/2 years has told me that she doesn’t love me and is not sure that she can. In her defense, I have driven her to this point.
For several years now, I have had a hard time controlling my anger. I once posted about taking her fishing and how badly it turned out when she accidentally hooked me with a spro frog. There have been several outbursts by me that have pushed her further away each time. I have been a ticking bomb for a long time and she can no longer handle it. In her defense, she has not simply walked out and is willing to wait and see if I can change and if she can love the man I can be.
I am very much not a fan of making excuses for inappropriate behavior. I have always considered any diagnosis to be simply an excuse, but I am at rock bottom and am very willing to try anything. So, after a few meetings with a “Dr” and I use the term loosely, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and something they call Survivor’s guilt. Some of this comes from my Marine Corps career, some from other things.
I do not know if this will work and I do not know if it will save my family, but I will be damned if I will simply refuse to try.
I was once a very religious person who led a children’s ministry. At this point in my life, I cannot pray. I just don’t know why He would listen to me. Each time that I have been “blessed” with something, I manage to screw it up. This does not mean that I do not believe in Him, I just don’t know how to talk to him myself. So, if you are a person who prays, I would ask that you pray for me. My only prayer is that I can be the type of husband and father that my family deserves.

Britney and I have been praying for you ever since I got that text from you the other morning buddy. I am sorry that you guys are going through this but I have faith in you and i believe that in a few years this will be nothing more than a speed bump for you two. I think the fact that she is willing to stick around and see if you can make progress shows that she does love you and wants it to work out, even if she won't come out and say it.

By the way, the Spro frog story is still one on the funnier stories that you have shared with us..........well that and the time you snagged the cat.

bamabassman · 07-04-11, 12:07 PM

tom, oyu already know how i feel about you, and this situation. if there is ANYTHING i can do do not hesitate to call me buddy. even though we are miles away, i feel oyu are very close to me. i mean this tom. oyu CAN and you WIL overcome this tom. i have NO DOUBT. GOD and jesus DO listen and are waiting for oyu to talk to them. jsut talk to them. let it all out to them. they will give oyu the answers oyu seek. and can heal oyur wounds in oyur heart. please, pray to them tom. we here are all praying with you my friend. TRUST IN HIM, AND OYUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED.

BigBassin144 · 07-04-11, 12:16 PM

Sorry to hear about this Tom. We'll keep you and your family in our prayers.

BB

WTL · 07-04-11, 12:22 PM

I'll keep you in my prayers Tom.

keithdog · 07-04-11, 12:29 PM

Tom, the word tells us that "Where two or more are gathered in my name, there will I be also." There are many here Tom who love you and care about you. We are gathered in Christs name, and he is here. He knows what's happening in your life, he cares more about you than even we do, and he is listening. And he is waitting for you, standing on his porch so to speak, looking for you to return. Go and find a quiet place Tom, and spend a few minutes talking with him. You may feel a lot of guilt now, but thats when God is calling for us. He want's to help you Tom. Walk up onto his porch and reach out to him. He is waitting.

woody · 07-04-11, 01:55 PM

Tom, the Lord knew all along that you were gonna screw things up. He loves us so much that He lets us have the freedom to choose which direction we take in our lives. It sounds like He's giving you another chance to make it right with Him and your Family. Tell Him and your Family how sorry you are about the way you have been. Yes, asking for forgiveness is in order. Then make the decision to turn away from your old ways of living. And start living a new life. I'm praying for you, Tom. Please keep us posted, alright.

-Mark

nobass · 07-04-11, 04:41 PM

i have had you on my mind ever scince i read your post. i do not know thw doc. you are seeing. but as a vet you have the v.a to help you. if you do not know how to get started with them. the disable american veterans are where to start they have people that can help you with the paper work, get you appiontments they will even drive you there. you have fought and served this country. now its time to let this country help you. please use this. i know you are seeking gods help and thats great. but sometimes god neds help. please use them . they deal with this problem daily and are trained in helping you to get better. you are not going to get better over night it has been 43 years for me i deal with it daily. if i had not sought this help i do not know if i would be here today.

cassidyta · 07-04-11, 10:01 PM

Thanks NoBass. I have talked with the VA and am seeing a civilian Doc that specializes in Vets.

cassidyta · 07-05-11, 12:32 PM

My wife and I had a LONG talk last night. We were both awake at 3 am discussing the past and present while hinting at the future.
It was the first civil talk we have had in years. For now, we have agreed to simply take it one day at a time. (Not trying to be a song)
As I told Kory via text. I don't know if we are going forward, but we have stopped falling backwards.

Bob Smith · 07-05-11, 12:45 PM

Tom, I am glad to see the rational approach! In retrospect, I see a bit of truth in your "sig statement" that might well apply to your current situation. Good Luck, my friend, my prayers are with you and your wife.

WaffleJaw · 07-05-11, 01:00 PM

Good luck Tom.Thoughts are with you buddy.

Bassboss · 07-05-11, 01:09 PM

I'll definitely pary for ya cass. I hope everything turns out all right.

cassidyta · 07-05-11, 01:09 PM

Thanks again for all of the thoughts and prayers.

Bob, I never thought of my sig like that, but I really like the idea. It has not broken yet, so I need to address it.

WatterBoy · 07-05-11, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassidyta

My wife and I had a LONG talk last night. We were both awake at 3 am discussing the past and present while hinting at the future.
It was the first civil talk we have had in years. For now, we have agreed to simply take it one day at a time. (Not trying to be a song)
As I told Kory via text. I don't know if we are going forward, but we have stopped falling backwards.

That sounds like a positive step, Tom. Keep it up. My wife and I will be praying for you also.

MississippiBoy · 07-05-11, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassidyta

As I told Kory via text. I don't know if we are going forward, but we have stopped falling backwards.

You've got to start somewhere, and you can't go forward until you've quit going backwards.
I have no real words of wisdom, but you and your wife will definitely be in my prayers.

XIntel007 · 07-08-11, 08:15 AM

Cass,
I was/am in the same boat. I gladly volunteered to go to Iraq with the Corps and I knew it could change me I just did not know how much or in what manner. I returned home, angry at my wife for 'whinning' about how hard life was with a new baby and with me gone. I suddenly had desires to cheat on her, I took up dipping over there, and came home an angry person. When I got home I gained weight, racked up debt, had to step down from a management position at work and struggled to find the desire to go to church or love my kids. I had been a very devout Christian until I left for Iraq. Even now I struggle with finding a new church but the good news is that I kept trying even when my heart was not in it. I don't know where you went to boot camp but you live out there where I went and they have a hill (feels like a mountain) who's name I will not repeat on here. I remember starting out the morning with all the heart and desire to finish that 15 mile hump only to stare at that mountain on mile 7 and loose all motivation. There was nothing left in my heart that said I wanted to go up. All I could do was command my leggs to take each individual step. Once at the top, my heart returned. I feel like the same thing is happenning in my marriage. I forced each step, sang to my kids at night when I did not feel like it, loved my wife when I did not think she deserved it, spent time doing what she and the kids wanted to do when I really just wanted to be alone. I can see the top now and my heart is coming back. My wife (who nearly left several times) has even commented that she sees a big change.

Take the meds if they offer them, no shame in trying, but there is shame in loosing the battle because you didnt try.

carolina-rig-01 · 07-08-11, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XIntel007

Cass,
I was/am in the same boat. I gladly volunteered to go to Iraq with the Corps and I knew it could change me I just did not know how much or in what manner. I returned home, angry at my wife for 'whinning' about how hard life was with a new baby and with me gone. I suddenly had desires to cheat on her, I took up dipping over there, and came home an angry person. When I got home I gained weight, racked up debt, had to step down from a management position at work and struggled to find the desire to go to church or love my kids. I had been a very devout Christian until I left for Iraq. Even now I struggle with finding a new church but the good news is that I kept trying even when my heart was not in it. I don't know where you went to boot camp but you live out there where I went and they have a hill (feels like a mountain) who's name I will not repeat on here. I remember starting out the morning with all the heart and desire to finish that 15 mile hump only to stare at that mountain on mile 7 and loose all motivation. There was nothing left in my heart that said I wanted to go up. All I could do was command my leggs to take each individual step. Once at the top, my heart returned. I feel like the same thing is happenning in my marriage. I forced each step, sang to my kids at night when I did not feel like it, loved my wife when I did not think she deserved it, spent time doing what she and the kids wanted to do when I really just wanted to be alone. I can see the top now and my heart is coming back. My wife (who nearly left several times) has even commented that she sees a big change.

Take the meds if they offer them, no shame in trying, but there is shame in loosing the battle because you didnt try.

Thank you for your service Sir. I tell Cassidyta that often but I don't recall ever telling you, thank you for all your sacrifices so that we can remain free. I am very glad that things are starting to work out for you. If anyone deserves to be happy it's the people that fought to protect the rights that make life so great.

bamabassman · 07-08-11, 05:45 PM

tom, xintel's story gave me goosebumps man. he is treveling the same road as oyu are my friend. (thank oyu intel for sharing this, it takes a REAL MAN to do what oyu are doing and i am humbled by it. GOD BLESS YOU!) I HOPE and pray for you tom and now you as well intel.....i WILL remmeber oyu all and well as each and every service man/woman who has sacrificed their life in order for me and my family to remain FREE.

i just can't write the correct words. there is a lump in my throat and itears in my eyes right now. sorry........

MallenManson · 07-10-11, 06:32 PM

Keep your chin up, Cass. I', so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.
It sounds like you and the Mrs are taking the right approach though.

07-04-11, 02:46 AM	#1
cassidyta BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,928	A shift in priorities A few of the folks on here already know, but my marriage is at a very precarious point My wife of 10 1/2 years has told me that she doesn’t love me and is not sure that she can. In her defense, I have driven her to this point. For several years now, I have had a hard time controlling my anger. I once posted about taking her fishing and how badly it turned out when she accidentally hooked me with a spro frog. There have been several outbursts by me that have pushed her further away each time. I have been a ticking bomb for a long time and she can no longer handle it. In her defense, she has not simply walked out and is willing to wait and see if I can change and if she can love the man I can be. I am very much not a fan of making excuses for inappropriate behavior. I have always considered any diagnosis to be simply an excuse, but I am at rock bottom and am very willing to try anything. So, after a few meetings with a “Dr” and I use the term loosely, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and something they call Survivor’s guilt. Some of this comes from my Marine Corps career, some from other things. I do not know if this will work and I do not know if it will save my family, but I will be damned if I will simply refuse to try. I was once a very religious person who led a children’s ministry. At this point in my life, I cannot pray. I just don’t know why He would listen to me. Each time that I have been “blessed” with something, I manage to screw it up. This does not mean that I do not believe in Him, I just don’t know how to talk to him myself. So, if you are a person who prays, I would ask that you pray for me. My only prayer is that I can be the type of husband and father that my family deserves. __________________ If you have ever wondered if you should retie, the answer is yes.

07-04-11, 03:33 AM	#2
Jrob78 BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 4,671	I'll keep you and your family in my prayers Tom. __________________ There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t. HRN4L

07-04-11, 03:34 AM	#3
Bubba_Bruiser BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: South MS Posts: 3,659	Cass I am praying for you and your family. I also think He will listen to everything you pray about. We all slide, it is only in our nature. I have faith and hope you will be blessed again. __________________ \,,,,/ ROCK ON! HRN4L!

07-04-11, 03:45 AM	#4
cassidyta BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,928	Thanks guys. It has been a rough week. __________________ If you have ever wondered if you should retie, the answer is yes.

07-04-11, 07:14 AM	#6
nobass BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: clarksville, tn, Posts: 1,690	cass i was in the same boat as you when i came back back from nam, then it was not called ptsd. there are many ways to deal with in. but one way for sure was meds. they where my biggest help. be glad your wife is willing to wait. also when i get that way or feel it coming on i walk away from the problem cool off and come back. wish you all the luck in overcoming this. __________________ the only easy day was yesterday

07-04-11, 05:35 AM	#5
bluebasser86 BassFishin.Com Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Gardner, KS Posts: 605	If I have learned anything in life it's that He forgives. You are in a very difficult spot that I wouldn't wish on anyone but it sounds like you want to try and so does your wife. I've been through some difficult times in my life and they would have been so much harder without Him. I also have anger issues, having been in law enforcement for 5 years now some days I see things that make me mad at the world, unfortunately the ones that have to deal with my anger are the ones I love the most. I have one song that I sing in my head when I feel myself losing control called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. I still get choked up when we sing that song in church because of the power it has over me. You may try going to church with your family and really listening. I had been to church plenty of times but it wasn't until I really listened to what was being said before it really had an impact on my life. I hope that somewhere in what I've written you can find something that will help you and you'll be in my prayers!

07-04-11, 12:07 PM	#8
bamabassman BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: cedar bluff, alabama Posts: 15,292	tom, oyu already know how i feel about you, and this situation. if there is ANYTHING i can do do not hesitate to call me buddy. even though we are miles away, i feel oyu are very close to me. i mean this tom. oyu CAN and you WIL overcome this tom. i have NO DOUBT. GOD and jesus DO listen and are waiting for oyu to talk to them. jsut talk to them. let it all out to them. they will give oyu the answers oyu seek. and can heal oyur wounds in oyur heart. please, pray to them tom. we here are all praying with you my friend. TRUST IN HIM, AND OYUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED. __________________ so many lures, so little time.

07-04-11, 12:16 PM	#9
BigBassin144 BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Toledo, Ohio Posts: 9,463	Sorry to hear about this Tom. We'll keep you and your family in our prayers. BB __________________ As of June 14, 2014 the members of the BF.com forum have moved to basschat.yuku.com!

07-04-11, 12:22 PM	#10
WTL BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Huntsville, Al Posts: 7,466	I'll keep you in my prayers Tom. __________________ Selling live waterdogs for less since 2005.

07-04-11, 12:29 PM	#11
keithdog BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: IN Posts: 8,308	Tom, the word tells us that "Where two or more are gathered in my name, there will I be also." There are many here Tom who love you and care about you. We are gathered in Christs name, and he is here. He knows what's happening in your life, he cares more about you than even we do, and he is listening. And he is waitting for you, standing on his porch so to speak, looking for you to return. Go and find a quiet place Tom, and spend a few minutes talking with him. You may feel a lot of guilt now, but thats when God is calling for us. He want's to help you Tom. Walk up onto his porch and reach out to him. He is waitting. __________________ Just one more cast, and then some!

07-04-11, 01:55 PM	#12
woody BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Jonesville, Indiana Posts: 3,597	Tom, the Lord knew all along that you were gonna screw things up. He loves us so much that He lets us have the freedom to choose which direction we take in our lives. It sounds like He's giving you another chance to make it right with Him and your Family. Tell Him and your Family how sorry you are about the way you have been. Yes, asking for forgiveness is in order. Then make the decision to turn away from your old ways of living. And start living a new life. I'm praying for you, Tom. Please keep us posted, alright. -Mark

07-04-11, 04:41 PM	#13
nobass BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: clarksville, tn, Posts: 1,690	i have had you on my mind ever scince i read your post. i do not know thw doc. you are seeing. but as a vet you have the v.a to help you. if you do not know how to get started with them. the disable american veterans are where to start they have people that can help you with the paper work, get you appiontments they will even drive you there. you have fought and served this country. now its time to let this country help you. please use this. i know you are seeking gods help and thats great. but sometimes god neds help. please use them . they deal with this problem daily and are trained in helping you to get better. you are not going to get better over night it has been 43 years for me i deal with it daily. if i had not sought this help i do not know if i would be here today. __________________ the only easy day was yesterday

07-04-11, 10:01 PM	#14
cassidyta BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,928	Thanks NoBass. I have talked with the VA and am seeing a civilian Doc that specializes in Vets. __________________ If you have ever wondered if you should retie, the answer is yes.

07-05-11, 12:32 PM	#15
cassidyta BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,928	My wife and I had a LONG talk last night. We were both awake at 3 am discussing the past and present while hinting at the future. It was the first civil talk we have had in years. For now, we have agreed to simply take it one day at a time. (Not trying to be a song) As I told Kory via text. I don't know if we are going forward, but we have stopped falling backwards. __________________ If you have ever wondered if you should retie, the answer is yes.

07-05-11, 12:45 PM	#16
Bob Smith BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Cartersville, Georgia Posts: 1,472	Tom, I am glad to see the rational approach! In retrospect, I see a bit of truth in your "sig statement" that might well apply to your current situation. Good Luck, my friend, my prayers are with you and your wife. __________________ Bob Smith a.k.a. "Porko" (vintage Strike King variety!)

07-05-11, 01:00 PM	#17
WaffleJaw BassFishin.Com Super Veteran Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Dallas,TX (DFW) Posts: 2,212	Good luck Tom.Thoughts are with you buddy. __________________ [nelsoncustomrods.com]

07-05-11, 01:09 PM	#18
Bassboss BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Shawano, WI Posts: 7,761	I'll definitely pary for ya cass. I hope everything turns out all right. __________________ If you can't fix it with heavy squats or fish oil, you're probably going to die.

07-08-11, 08:15 AM	#22
XIntel007 BassFishin.Com Active Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Woodbridge, VA Posts: 102	Cass, I was/am in the same boat. I gladly volunteered to go to Iraq with the Corps and I knew it could change me I just did not know how much or in what manner. I returned home, angry at my wife for 'whinning' about how hard life was with a new baby and with me gone. I suddenly had desires to cheat on her, I took up dipping over there, and came home an angry person. When I got home I gained weight, racked up debt, had to step down from a management position at work and struggled to find the desire to go to church or love my kids. I had been a very devout Christian until I left for Iraq. Even now I struggle with finding a new church but the good news is that I kept trying even when my heart was not in it. I don't know where you went to boot camp but you live out there where I went and they have a hill (feels like a mountain) who's name I will not repeat on here. I remember starting out the morning with all the heart and desire to finish that 15 mile hump only to stare at that mountain on mile 7 and loose all motivation. There was nothing left in my heart that said I wanted to go up. All I could do was command my leggs to take each individual step. Once at the top, my heart returned. I feel like the same thing is happenning in my marriage. I forced each step, sang to my kids at night when I did not feel like it, loved my wife when I did not think she deserved it, spent time doing what she and the kids wanted to do when I really just wanted to be alone. I can see the top now and my heart is coming back. My wife (who nearly left several times) has even commented that she sees a big change. Take the meds if they offer them, no shame in trying, but there is shame in loosing the battle because you didnt try.

07-08-11, 05:45 PM	#24
bamabassman BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: cedar bluff, alabama Posts: 15,292	tom, xintel's story gave me goosebumps man. he is treveling the same road as oyu are my friend. (thank oyu intel for sharing this, it takes a REAL MAN to do what oyu are doing and i am humbled by it. GOD BLESS YOU!) I HOPE and pray for you tom and now you as well intel.....i WILL remmeber oyu all and well as each and every service man/woman who has sacrificed their life in order for me and my family to remain FREE. i just can't write the correct words. there is a lump in my throat and itears in my eyes right now. sorry........ __________________ so many lures, so little time.

07-10-11, 06:32 PM	#25
MallenManson BassFishin.Com Premier Elite Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Beulah, Michigan Posts: 6,431	Keep your chin up, Cass. I', so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. It sounds like you and the Mrs are taking the right approach though. __________________ Bass fear me. Women pepperspray me.....

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